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[rosarianoath]

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[rosarianoath]

“I wish we could have seen the rest of my father’s rule,” he says. And, carefully: “He was a very good father.”

[noburden]

Jill is quiet for a moment too long and she feels it. So, she finds something to say.

She doesn't agree.

"I wish he saw what I saw."

Was he truly so blind as to how Anabella, his wife, treated Clive?

[rosarianoath]

How damning can a silence be? Clive's eyes narrow as he puzzles out what she means, if she's really saying what she's saying. It isn't his imagination; he doesn't like to think she would even be possible of thinking ill of his father.

"You were a daughter to him," he says. "He cared for you."

[noburden]

"I know." Clive was his son and he cared for him, but these days she would hesitate to call him a good father to any of them.

"But... you must remember, Clive. He took me from my father. My family."

What good man does that?

[rosarianoath]

There's a notable tightening to his body, his posture, his grip on her loosening slightly. That tension is mirrored in his voice.

"I remember that your father gave you to ours."

[noburden]

She doesn't often speak of life before Rosaria. Much of her memory has faded, but some things she recalls with clarity. It's difficult to speak around the growing lump in her throat.

"Gave? The North lost. He didn't choose to give me away. The duchy took me, wailing, from my parents. I was terrified."

[rosarianoath]

Clive feels an odd humour bubble up in him, uncomfortable. What?

"The North made a peace treaty with Rosaria," he says. "Of course it was frightening –– you were so small, Jill. But your father entrusted you to us to prove his commitment to peace."

[noburden]

"And yet at the end of the day I was still a child taken from her family. How is that ever the right thing, Clive? I lived every day worried that one day your father or mother would decide that was the day they were done with me. The North was no longer a threat," she says, and she doesn't want to look at him, but it feels wrong to cuddle. But she doesn't want to fall into old habits and pull away. She's not upset at him.

Well, perhaps a little. Did he never think of how she must have felt all those years?

[rosarianoath]

He stares at the crown of her head, momentarily speechless, feeling as though he's on the other side of the street from her.

"Jill," he says, a little firm. "I cannot speak for a man who would give you up, but in life my father never would have sent you away, or allowed my mother to. Ever."

[noburden]

At that, she pushes herself up on an elbow. Not fully away, but she has to see his face when she asks her question.

"Really? When he allowed your mother to be so terrible to you?"

[rosarianoath]

There's a shred of betrayal on his face, hurt on his father's behalf, dredged up from the warmth of their bed.

"He could not compel her to love me," he replies. "But he loved me, and that was enough. Was it not enough for you?"

[noburden]

"Clive," she says, trying to reel in her own emotions. This hurts him. She knows. "I was always an outsider. The only ones that loved me without complication were you and Joshua."

She looks at him, sad. It was the same for him. She and Joshua loved him for who he was, not what role he filled.

[rosarianoath]

"He loved you as much as Joshua and I," he insists, and his arms drop from around her, hands finding a place on the sheets instead. "For all I lack confidence in, Jill, know I believe that to the bottom of my heart."

[noburden]

Just because he believes it doesn't make it true. Jill tries to bridge the distance, hand finding his.

"I only think he could have done better for you," she says softly. "I spent my days so frightened. But I suspected that would be my life, taken to Rosaria. I was only glad I wasn't made to be a serving girl or worse."

[rosarianoath]

“I could not ask for better,” he says, and though he does not move away from her hand, he doesn’t meet it, either. “Why are you only telling me this now? Have you seen yourself as a captive this whole time?”

[noburden]

"I thought... some part of you must have known. I was raised as a sister to you and Joshua, and I felt that affection for you both, but... I always wondered each morning that I woke up if it would be the day your mother or father thought me too much of a burden. My parents were likely dead. The North broken by the blight."

His father was never actively cruel to her, but she believes there's more to being a father than providing food and shelter.

[rosarianoath]

“I know it wasn’t easy for you,” Clive says, looking lost. “But my father never would have cast you out. Wouldn't your parents be glad that you were cared for and loved, especially when they chose this path for you?”

[noburden]

Jill looks just as lost, searching his eyes and not seeing what she hopes to see.

"My parents would have preferred I stay with them. With our people. They didn't choose for me to be a ward. Rosaria forced their hand, and... they likely died for it, regardless."

[rosarianoath]

Disagreement flickers across Clive’s face. They did choose, he could say; they started raiding Rosaria’s borders, they offered peace when driven back. Rosaria is hardly innocent of error, but to say they’d rip a child away from her parents without their blessing is a hard lump in his throat.

Does she truly believe this?

“You were so small, Jill,” he says. “I’m sorry you remember it that way, and that you’ve been carrying that hurt for all these years… but that was not the way of it.”

[noburden]

She frowns. Does he truly believe that?

"Why is it that I'm the one that's wrong? Do you really think there's no possibility that what I say has truth behind it?"

[rosarianoath]

“I’m not saying you’re wrong,” he says, sitting up a little straighter. “I’m just taken aback… my father wasn’t like that at all. He was a good man. He wouldn’t hurt a child, or want her to live in fear…”

[noburden]

"He was a ruler before all," Jill says carefully. She knew that as a girl. "He was kinder than I ever imagined he could be... but he still took me from my home. Does giving me another make it less painful? I still don't know."

She shakes her head.

"But no one ever spoke of it. Just as no one ever spoke of how terrible your treatment was. It was just easier to ignore it."

[rosarianoath]

“I heard plenty about my inadequacy,” he says, a little sharp. He doesn’t want to be here, not like this. “But all of that is in the past now, Jill. Why do we have to tar the good memories?”

[noburden]

"I'm only speaking my truth, Clive. That was my experience and what I saw," she says, struggling to keep upset in control. It hurts, but it's no surprise to her.

[rosarianoath]

“And I believe you,” he says. “But I also believe in my father’s good intentions!”