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[rosarianoath]

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[noburden]

"And how did they treat their sons?"

Their firstborn sons, made to be shields, ruin their bodies on battlefields. It makes her feel sick, trying to rationalize how any parent could do that to their own blood.

"You can't think that's any way to treat your child, Clive."

She feels her heart sink. Is that the kind of father he would be? She doesn't want to believe that.

[rosarianoath]

Clive withdraws his legs slowly, untangling himself from the bedding to exit the bed.

“Befitting our station, it was appropriate.” He stands. “I hope it’s of some consolation to you that there is no kingdom left to call sons to such duties.”

[noburden]

It wasn't appropriate. It was an excuse. She'd say as much, but the next words sting.

"Clive," she says, at a loss for any words that won't further upset him. She mourns Rosaria, but she is deeply relieved no children of theirs will ever have to live up to the expectations of a duchy or bloodline.

[rosarianoath]

“I’d like to keep at least some good memories intact, if you don’t mind,” he says, as calmly as he can. He picks up the book and takes it away to the bookshelf, if only to put some distance between himself and the bed. His heart is hammering. “I’m sorry. I know our upbringing wasn’t perfect, but I apologize on my father’s behalf that it was so frightening to you.”

[noburden]

"... I'm sorry, too." Sorry, most of all, that he can't see her childhood for what it was. Maybe he's incapable of acknowledging that they both were treated poorly. What then?

"If I were never made a ward of Rosaria, we would have never met. And so I've been grateful for that, all these years. I lost my family, but I gained you and Joshua."

Always the brightest parts of her history despite the pain in her heart. It feels worse now, speaking of it to him, and feeling as if she's somehow wrong.

[rosarianoath]

“And you still have us,” he assures her. “You have nothing to apologize for, Jill.”

She’s entitled to her opinion, her perspectives.

[noburden]

"I didn't say it to upset you," she says quietly. Of course, once that door was opened, she knew he'd be unhappy. Just like Dion. But if she didn't say it, who would? Certainly not Joshua.

[rosarianoath]

“I know you didn’t, but it did.” He swallows his breath. What an unpleasant thing to admit. “We best get on with our day, hmm?”

[noburden]

An unpleasant thing to admit, but she hopes it's a good sign that he did. No yelling. No storming out. The both of them are still here.

Jill stands and approaches him, slowly reaching out for his hand.

"Is there more you'd like to say?"

[rosarianoath]

He’s stiff as she approaches, but he does put his hand out for hers. He pauses before replying.

“Does Joshua know you feel this way?”

[noburden]

She takes his hand, using both of hers to hold his.

"No. No one does, only you." Not Joshua, not Dion. "I don't have the courage to say such things to Joshua. You have the burden of my unfettered thoughts and feelings."

[rosarianoath]

Bitterly, he wishes she wouldn’t say those things to him, either, but he nods, looking down at her hands. He wonders how often she cried into them, alone.

“I can bear them,” he says, softer. “Am I supposed to say that? That I’ll gladly bear anything you wish for me to shoulder? Or is that…”

He trails off.

[noburden]

Jill knows him well enough to know he would prefer to never have this conversation at all. But shouldn't they? Shouldn't they have this understanding, even if the understanding is that they both view their pasts differently?

Her thumb caresses the back of his hand.

"Is it what?"

[rosarianoath]

He looks at the wall for a beat, and then to her, uncomfortably.

“I know you have disdain for the way I was raised. But I don't know what you’d like me to do.”

[noburden]

"My disdain is so strong because I love you. You deserved so much better, Clive." And it wouldn't have been too difficult to achieve, she thinks, had his father done more. "My hope is that one day you see that. You were always worthy of affection and love, and you deserved it simply by being you. Not because of the role you were to play."

She squeezes his hand.

"I know you'd never treat our children as such." But.

[rosarianoath]

“Even if I accepted it, it would not change the past,” he says, and he doesn’t want to look at her, so he gently pulls his hand from hers to wrap his arms around her instead. “I shall take your lead with our children’s concerns, just the same…”

smash those buttons to accept the truth dude

[noburden]

Jill exhales slowly against him, arms wrapping around his waist.

"My heart breaks for you," she murmurs. "You're all anyone could ever want as a son, brother, husband. As a friend, or as a leader. But you don't see it."

Clive like hmmm maybe

[rosarianoath]

“I’m plenty happy with what I have,” he assures her, resting his chin on the top of her head. “You worry about this far more than I do, my love.”

[noburden]

"You don't worry about yourself enough, so I must," she replies. "You always put yourself last."

And so she has to put him first.

[rosarianoath]

“You cannot say I am put last when you yourself are grieving a childhood of fear,” he says, closing his eyes, voice rumbling in his chest. “I did not have that.”

[noburden]

"We all lost our childhoods in one way or another. It's why my memories of you and Joshua are so precious to me." She can look upon those with a smile.

[rosarianoath]

He nods, face momentarily scrunching up, glad she cannot see. He runs one hand over the back of her head, smoothing her hair, and he kisses her scalp.

“It pains me to think there were times you didn’t want to be with us. Having you there meant everything to me, selfish as it was.”

[noburden]

"I loved you and Joshua easily. Joshua was too young to be anything but sweet, and you were my first friend. I spent every day hoping to spend time with you. But I missed my parents, too."

She could not say as much. Not within earshot of Anabella, and she worried anything said in confidence to the boys would somehow put her relatively comfortable position in danger. It was better to keep it to herself, cry when she thought no one was paying attention, and simply hope that one day she would see her mother and father again.

[rosarianoath]

“Not many children at court, and even fewer of a similar station,” he murmurs. It’s strange to have a position of power and yet be openly held in contempt, to work hard to earn one’s place.

Clive stoops a bit, loosening his arms around her so he can scoop her up and carry her back to bed.

[noburden]

There's a soft sound of surprise from Jill. The last thing she expected was to be picked up. She's surprised he's still willing to breathe the same air as her right now, let alone manhandle her.

"What are you doing?"