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[rosarianoath]

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[rosarianoath]

“That may be,” he says, but he feels his own hesitation in a way he’s immediately self-conscious about. He doesn’t want her to feel poorly, but he’s been feeling too tender towards her to have much of a poker face. Gently: “I’d like to discuss what that means when I’m not already on top of you…”

[noburden]

Her smile grows fond.

"I'd like to discuss that as well... is that appropriate cheeseburger conversation?" She asks with a laugh and a touch to his cheek.

[rosarianoath]

“If we take it out of the restaurant, perhaps,” he says, eyes soft but concerned, his cheek resting in her hand.

[noburden]

"Are you worried?" She asks, voice gentle as it often is. He always finds something to worry about.

[rosarianoath]

“About what?”

They were supposed to talk about these things more before falling into bed together.

[noburden]

They were. She knows it, too. Her smile doesn't dim as she puts her hands on his sides.

"That sort of conversation. This. Us," she says, patiently. "We have a bad habit of... postponing conversations."

At least no one else can force these.

[rosarianoath]

He presses a swift, polite kiss to her lips and then eases off her, getting to his feet without going too far.

“And then the moment passes, and we’re hesitant to spoil another by bringing it up later.”

[noburden]

She sits up, smile dimming to something more concerned.

"Then... let us talk about it, Clive. I don't want that for us anymore. No more fear of ruining what we have, even just in the moment."

[rosarianoath]

“I don’t either,” he says. The thought of having even one more conversation like this makes him restless, even nauseous. “Right here? Right now?”

[noburden]

"We should," she says. She pats the bed beside her.

They can push through to lunch after. Hopefully.

"We can't be afraid of talking."

[rosarianoath]

He looks at the floor for a long moment, and then he sits, obediently. The playful intimacy is gone, leaving him full of shame and dread, forced to think about what they’re doing.

He just asks: “Why do you want me to hurt you?”

[noburden]

Jill turns her body to look at him, both stunned and confused. Are they having the same conversation?

"Hurt me? How?"

[rosarianoath]

He isn’t confused.

“That night many months ago, when I came home and wasn’t myself,” he says. “I stalked outside your room, and when you came to me anyway, I tore your gown and plundered you mercilessly.”

He looks at her, apprehensive.

“And you liked it. You wanted more.”

[noburden]

Oh. Realization flickers across her face before she frowns, worried. Has he been dwelling on this for all these months?

"I did like it. There was pain, but it... you weren't hurting me, Clive."

That's not what she's now concerned about.

"I enjoyed that you gave into your desires. That's all."

[rosarianoath]

His brow knits. It’s bothered him deeply.

“I don’t know if I can put my hands on you like that in my right mind,” he says.

[noburden]

She reaches a hand out to put over one of his.

"Then don't. It's that simple."

[rosarianoath]

“But if it’s something you want, and I’m too in my mind…” He shakes his head. “I’ll keep us from so much.”

[noburden]

This sweet man. She smiles, surprised that she feels a sting behind her eyes. She's fortunate to have someone that is so careful with her.

"The list of things I want with you is infinite, Clive. We can afford to skip some," she reassures, squeezing his hand. "Please, believe me when I tell you that."

[rosarianoath]

“I do believe you,” he says. “But I cannot in good conscience ask anything of you when I cannot give you what you want in turn.”

[noburden]

"Clive," she begins, holding his hand tighter, "That's not fair to you. Or me."

[rosarianoath]

She’s right.

“I do not know what to do, then,” he says.

[noburden]

"When you ask things of me, it makes me happy," she says slowly, hoping that hearing the words helps in some manner. "And you feeling uncomfortable with something... it doesn't upset me or disappoint me, Clive. I am just as happy and satisfied simply existing in your arms."

To her, it's no issue at all.

[rosarianoath]

“I know you are,” he says, shifting in his seat to face her a little more. “But I still want to take care of you however I can, and if you are content with what I hesitate to do, then the problem lies with me.”

[noburden]

"You do take care of me," she reminds him. When he's not breaking the face of her best friend, that is. Jill sighs, but remains patient. "There's no problem here, Clive. You would be upset if I spoke this way about myself and my hesitations."

He never offers himself any grace or kindness.

[rosarianoath]

“You have never hesitated this way,” he says. He can tell she’s annoyed the moment she sighs, and he knows why. “Jill. I don’t want to hesitate. I want to overcome this… my apprehensions about my own desires, and yours as well.”