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[rosarianoath]

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[rosarianoath]

“That’s true,” he says, tipping the last of it in, only it doesn’t all go in. One lump of shit bounces off the edge and rolls down the side of the bag. Clive pretends he did not see it; there’s plenty more to shovel anyway. “I appreciate it.”

[noburden]

A little bit of shit left in the yard won't hurt anyone. They just simply need to keep on top of this.

"Besides, it's been a while since we were out in the sunshine together."

They don't often go outside together these days. She's almost forgotten what he looks like with the sun in his hair.

[rosarianoath]

It has been. He feels momentarily ashamed about that — their friendship is so weakened it only exists within the realm of extra meals sealed in Tupperware and exchanged good mornings in the halls. He smiles vaguely, eyes on his task.

“Once this is cleaned up we’ll have to sit on the back porch in the evenings.”

[noburden]

"That would be nice," she says, but she wonders if it will happen. She's as lost as ever when it comes to them, how they stand with one another, and she doubts Clive has any more idea than she does. What can they do but keep pushing forward?

She watches him, and she misses when they could just exist in the same space without it being so complicated. Things were simpler when left unsaid, she sees now. But that doesn't mean it's right.

"I'm looking forward to the warmer weather. I didn't really get to enjoy the beach, yet."

[rosarianoath]

"That's still months away, I'm sure."

He can feel her eyes on him, and he turns his face to her. It feels like a Herculean task. It's been weeks since he crushed the tender sprouts of their friendship by sleeping with her, and days on top of that since he did it again by declining to sleep with her. He could sigh longingly just looking at her, but he bites that back. His eyes soften a little anyway. He can't help it.

"Did you have plans to go with someone?"

[noburden]

"Not yet. But Dion, probably," she admits with a little laugh. Of course. They do many things together these days. "At least for a walk."

There's a pause in which she thinks about whether to ask or not. Eventually she decides the worst that can happen is that they never get around to it.

"We could go, sometime. Go in the water."

[rosarianoath]

Oh. Dion’s her first thought. Clive nods.

“I’d very much like that, if Dion wouldn’t mind my presence,” he says.

[noburden]

"Together?" Jill questions before she can stop herself, eyebrows lifting. When has that ever gone well?

"If you'd like. I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable."

But so often he seems uncomfortable with just her, too. Maybe they need to try like this.

"I think Dion would be glad you wanted to join us."

[rosarianoath]

Was it not supposed to be together? He glances away briefly, and then nods.

“I’d just like to spend more time with you,” he says, “wherever that may be, or whoever else is joining.”

[noburden]

Jill smiles even if she's hit with a strong whiff of dog shit.

"You only ever need to ask, Clive. If I'm not here I tend to be with Dion." Usually. Not always, but often.

[rosarianoath]

He nods. Okay. It’s small, but it’s something to look forward to with her. He considers he should ask her to do something with him later, when the moment’s right. When they aren’t tromping around in shit.

“I’m glad you’ve found friendship with him,” he says. Leaves it at that.

[noburden]

"So am I," Jill agrees. She would be lost without him, she feels. Left to wallow in her sorrow with no one trying to make sure she stayed on her feet.

"... I feel guilty for it sometimes," she admits quietly, but probably not for any reason Clive might suspect. The admission is out and already she feels foolish for it but presses onwards anyway. "It's... the sort of relationship I would have liked--would like to build... rebuild with Joshua, time permitting."

There was never enough of it at the Hideaway. She tells herself that one day they will all be together again and she can be the sister to him that he deserves.

"But I would like to think Joshua would be happy to see Dion hasn't been left on his own here."

[rosarianoath]

Why would she bring him up? It’s an immediate ache, though one he can’t blame her for —- there is no reminding him of a thing he hasn’t put out of his mind in months.

He goes back to shoveling, attention on his work.

“I think he would be happy for any friendship you found,” he says. “He would certainly never be jealous of it.”

[noburden]

"I miss him," she says openly. She misses him all the time. "I see why he liked Dion."

She opens the bag when Clive is ready to drop more shit.

"You and he are similar in some ways, I think."

[rosarianoath]

He misses Joshua so much he doesn’t want to talk about it. Not with her. Instead:

“Dion and I?” Clive clarifies, a hint of scepticism in his tone. He would hope he hasn’t become like a brother to her, at the very least. “Why?”

[noburden]

If she ever thinks of Clive as a brother, she's lost the definition of the word.

"You both feel your emotions very deeply," she says. "And your duties."

To a fault, sometimes.

[rosarianoath]

"Any boy raised in our circumstances would feel the call of duty," he replies. No comment on the other part.

[noburden]

"Of course," she says quietly. She's been witness to it. "I do worry about him. Sons want to please their fathers regardless of circumstances, don't they?"

[rosarianoath]

Clive nods, picking his way across the yard.

"It is a pity that the father he had to please was a terrible man."

[noburden]

Jill follows. Her eyes rest on Clive's back.

"Yes. And Dion refuses to see it. Or... perhaps he does, and doesn't wish to admit it to himself. We talk about many things, but his father is a topic that quickly leads to upset."

Go figure, a son riddled with guilt doesn't like hearing his father was no saint.

[rosarianoath]

"It's only been six months," he replies. "Maybe in time he'll feel differently, but for now, if he feels responsible, then he should be permitted to."

[noburden]

Only six months. Only six months since they all lost everything.

Jill falls silent for a few heartbeats.

"I suppose I've lost track of time."

[rosarianoath]

Clive hasn't. He stops to kick a mostly-gnawed bone towards the muddy garden beds, where the remaining flesh can rot and feed the soil. He lets the silence hang however long she wants, and then he says:

"What he did is going to take a lot longer than that to learn to live with."

[noburden]

She spends so much time purposely not thinking of her own sins that she forgets, in a sense, the battle to come to terms with them.

"I still hope the two of you will become friends," Jill says softly. "I think it would be good for you both."

[rosarianoath]

“I would like that,” he says, if only to assure her he agrees. It just doesn’t seem likely to him, which feels sore if he lingers on the thought too long. “I’m sure I’ve tarnished any favourable impression he might have ever held towards me, though.”